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what can you do when your good isn’t good enough?
The Fireworks within yourself are what define who you are, not the ugly heart bitches that tell you who you are. Have you ever caught yourself praying to your God asking for a man/woman? How many times have you let yourself get so low that you believe you are not worthy of any love. Is your heart closed because you have been hurt too many times? Do you let it show when you have the symptoms of a heart break?
Fagot, queer, gay.. some of the words that were used to describe me through high school. These words used to cut me like a knife. I did not understand why I was called these things when these characteristics were not displayed. I began to hate what I could be. I did not know who to talk to. As a high school student you’re told to talk to an adult, but mainly if you’re a victim of bullying. Feeling so helpless, going to an adult would not have helped. I began to close myself, not allowing anyone to come in. I began to feel worthless; thoughts flew through my head of finding no love. When I was in the lowest of my moments, you came. After all that I had been through I did not know I could deserve such love. Who knew I was in for a ride of my life that in the end would change me ultimately.
In the beginning I loved our time together. I thought nothing of your smart remarks of saying “fagot and homo.” I let it pass because you were my first to love. I had told myself I won’t let it show. I won’t let you show my vulnerability. I won’t show how much you hurt me when you call me fagot or accuse me of cheating. I didn’t see the wave that rushed through and crashed on my self esteem. I loved you so and didn’t see what I was being made of. My mind is gone, I’m spinning around. My tears were what I will drown. I allowed you to come into my heart and cut me like a knife when you walked out of my life because you thought I did you wrong.
I thought I could never be the same again. How can I find love again? How can I ever trust another man? No matter what, you will never see me cry. I closed my heart to finding love again. Love was nothing more than a word to me. My friends would say college will be different, more men more chances of love. I chose not to believe what they told me. Deep inside I stray away from love, I see no reflection in the mirror of my heart. How did I get here, I will never know. A boy with a broken heart, but no matter what, you will never see me cry.
My heart became tired of being heavy and broken. I swept the pieces and glued together what I thought would make me a whole. I lacked few pieces you took from me, but I still tried to present my heart in a silver platter. Those that believe I am special and love me for myself, took my heart and mended it back to a whole. Without the great support of my friends, you would still have held my heart and took a piece out each and every day. I understand the blood on your hands but don’t understand why you still repeat the things you do. So, I walked with a heart stronger than the one I had before I met you.
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Alvida
Why are the things we want in life the hardest to get? It was spring of 2009 when I met him. Raining hard, as I escorted a friend to her class, I saw him walking fast, trying to get away from the rain and into his class. From time to time I saw him around campus and we always shared smiles and long eye contacts. I never had the courage to talk to him…
However, I wish to see him once more and tell him that my heart waited for him. I remember him clearly; he is tall, brown with facial hair. He has the best smile and the kindest eyes. My life’s one regret is never saying hi. Alvida, something so small so said everyday to separate us from the ones we desire, goodbye.
Being gay is not a choice, rather a way of living. For all those that believe there is a cure for homosexuality clearly show that they have never experienced such hardships in their lives. Do you think we want to be the victims of the neighborhood crimes? Being accepted into the society in which we live in is the hardest thing to do.
I am surrounded by many people in my life that care and love me for the way I am. I can never be so thankful and be blessed. God has never been so kind and amazing in my life. He has shown me the way and the truth.
A friend of mine, Heather, mentioned “once Gandhi said “I love your Christ, but not your Christians.” I LOVE her for introducing me to that quote because it really shows who we are and what we have become. Being a Christian is not about having two sides. One that worships God and the other that spreads hate.
There are three friends in my life that I really appreciate. Heather, Sobia, and Chidozie. All three have helped me grow into the man I am today. Heather, I have known her the least, however it goes to prove that friends can come anytime and change your entire life. Heather and I have grown together and become the leading ladies that we see in each other. I love her way too much and I know she will do wonders in life. Sobia, is the very first person that showed her true colors to me, the colors of the rainbow. Sobia and I have had many classes together and have gone through many tough times. I love this kid and I know she is the perfect diamond that never needs polishing. Last but not least, Chidozie, a young man that has shown me who I am and what I can do for myself. Chidozie is the best man to my wedding. He has shown me what God can do for my life, and how he can affect my life for the good. All I have to do is believe in myself, because he never and never will give up. All of my friends are the reason why I stand here today.
My name is Vishal Sharma, I am twenty one years old and I attend UTA studying Biological Chemistry. I realized who I am, at the age of 19. It took a while for me to be comfortable with myself. Before I knew it, my friends described me as the “Walking Glitter.” Alvida, goodbye, is something we say all the time without knowing the consequences. I hope to never say alvida to anyone from my life, and I always hope to meet them again. My name is Vishal and this is my story…
